The Kyonness of Haruhi Suzumiya, and viceversa
by Kite Impulse
Summary: This is probably the only fanfic here that has Kyon undressing Mikuru while having a decent motive. Or Haruhi wielding the mighty phrase "Yare yare". Bodies swap and hilarity ensues!
1. Prologue

"GOOD DAY, BRIGADE!"

Everyone looks up to see the lowest-ranked SOS brigade member burst into the clubroom.

"Now that those boring classes are over, let's get started on another MYSTERY INQUIRRRRYYY!"

Koizumi almost stopped smiling as he looked up in surprise and bewilderment.

"Kyon-kun, are you feeling well?" He asked calmly.

"As good as ever! Now, stop playing chess and get preparing!"

"Preparing for what, Kyon-kun?" Asahina-san inquired softly, bringing the tea out as usual.

"Yuki! Start up the computer and check our website for anything new!" The tall, brown haired boy continued, not missing a beat, grabbing the teacup off the tray and swallowing it in one gulp.

Oh, boy. If this went on any longer, anyone's doubts about me catching Haruhi-itis would be completely flattened. I mean, look at me, a complete mirror of that hyper-whimsical girl. If this went on any further, then I'd start to-

"Mikuru! You've worn that outfit for waaayyy too long! Take it off and put on something more befitting of your figure!" a grin crosses that plain face as he embraces the unfortunate maiden tightly.

"Take it off! All of it!" Asahina-san squealed softly aas her assailant laughed menacingly.

Now even Yuki looked up in surprise. Wow.

"Kyon-kun! W-w-what are you doing?!" the poor Asahina-san almost screamed the words out.

This was just too much to bear. Something had to be done.

"Okay, stop that right now!"

The door burst open once again as in marched... the brigade chief.

The embodiment of terror, malice, and controller of the universe: Haruhi Suzumiya.

"Let go of Asahi- I mean, Mikuru, and calm down!"

If the other brigade members were shocked at my actions, then what Haruhi just said would probably have knocked them off their feet. Good thing they were all sitting down (Except for Asahina-san, who had been wrestled onto the floor). Perhaps Kyon undressing Asahina-san wasn't THAT abnormal. My feelings were probably quite obvious, and maybe Koizumi and Nagato-san knew I might have caved eventually.

But Haruhi...doing something normal? No. No way. As nice as the event would be, no way in a hundred years would that happen.

But I suppose there was a good explanation. Kind of. Maybe I should start from the beginning. Yes, that's probably the best. "Take it off! All of it!" The usually level-headed male laughed menacingly.

Now even Yuki looked up in surprise. Wow.

"Kyon-kun! W-w-what are you doing?!" the poor Asahina-san almost screamed the words out.

This was just too much to bear. I had to step in.

"Okay, stop that right now!"

The door burst open once again as in marched... the brigade chief.

"Let go of Asahi- I mean, Mikuru, and calm down!"

If the other brigade members were shocked at my actions, then what Haruhi just said would probably have knocked them off their feet. Good thing they were all sitting down (Except for Asahina-sa, who had been wrestled onto the floor). Perhaps Kyon undressing Asahina-san wasn't THAT abnormal. My feelings were probably quite obvious, and maybe Koizumi and Nagato-san knew I might have caved eventually.

But Haruhi... doing something normal? No. No way. As nice as the event would be, no way in a hundred years would that happen.

But I suppose there was a good explanation. Kind of. Maybe I should start from the beginning. Yes. That's probably the best...

I grabbed her hand and pulled with all my strength, no dice. It was hopeless, I couldn't even lift her an inch up the ledge. Was I really that heavy? I never imagined Haruhi to be this weak. C'mon, you're supposed to be an ace at every damn sporting event in existence. Where's the strength that hit the super pitch that the rest of us failed to even to connect with. Where's the strength that sent the computer society's president flying several meters in a single kick? Where's the strength that gets Asahina-san into her….wait scratch that.

Dammit Kyon, now's not the time to lament, now pull yourself up! Lightning continued to flash overhead, thunder continued to rattle our brains, rain buffeting our bodies and the cliff with an intensity that would make even Noah himself shudder in fear. Then, the worst thing happened, the ledge below me gave out.

Hang on... This isn't the beginning! Curses.

Whether it's hanging around her too much or being in her body, Haruhi has somehow completely messed up all chronological instincts I used to possess.

Okay, onto the REAL beginning.


	2. Epic Beginning

**CHAPTER 2**

I was having a rather pleasant dream before the alarm clock rang that morning. I won't go into the details apart from that it included Asahina-san in that maid outfit of hers….again. I turned my head to the right expecting to see an alarm clock. I came face to face with wall. I guess I was still disoriented, I turned the other way, my vision was a mess, colours melted into each other, my head felt like it was being crushed between Bob Sapp's fists. That's the last time I eat left-over ramen for supper.

I squinted hard, the clock read 7:30 AM. That's weird. Usually my little sister wakes me up before then. I rolled onto my back, I closed my eyes hard, and reopened them, trying to wake myself up. Just another day…eh…wait, why was my ceiling black? And why were there glow in the dark stickers? My little sister must be trying to play another prank….I sat up, throwing off the covers. Odd. Last I remember, my blanket was dark blue, not sky blue.

"I'm still seven eights asleep." I reminded myself. Groaning I walked towards the general direction of where I remembered my toilet to be. No wait…that's the stairs…I turned 270 degrees shakily, and found the toilet, I staggered in, looked at the mirror. Blinked hard. And screamed.

The scream was high, and sounded rather familiar. Not because it was mine, but because I heard it everyday, and I'd learned to live in fear of it. It had been my signal to brace for disaster. I turned on the tap, hurriedly splashing cold water onto my face, drenching the loose billowy pajamas I was wearing. Slowly, fearing what I would see, I raised my head to look into the mirror. Sure enough, staring straight back at me, was the whackily whimsical ultra chief of the SOS Brigade, Haruhi Suzumiya. I'm still dreaming right? Yeah, a super realistic dream, where I can feel the cool of the water and the uncomfortable wetness of my…her shirt. Freud would have a field day with this!

Searching for answers, I walked back into my…her room. It definitely wasn't where I lived. Spotting the mobile phone lying on the desk, I snatched it up. It was still on, a stroke of luck. I dialed home. The home I was used to. My little sister answered the phone.

"Hello? Who is this?" There sure was a ruckus going on over there, I heard myself yelling repeatedly, followed by my parents yelling back.

"Erm…may I speak to Kyon please?" I said, this definitely wasn't my voice.

"Sure, hold on…Kyon! Phone call for you!"

"WHAT NOW?!" Now didn't that attitude seem familiar.

"Hello?" I asked into the phone, no answer, if I was right about who was in my body, then she was definitely taken aback, though I have the feeling that she might actually end up being entertained by this little incidence. I say little, because after all that has happened, not much can faze me now. Though I have to admit this is one of the last things I expected.

"Kyon?" I finally heard my own voice on the other end of the phone. I guess she's figured out what happened as well.

"Yeah its me, listen Haruhi, we can discuss exactly what happened later, for now, just get changed, and don't tell anybody about this, I'll meet you in front of the school gate."

"Yeah…okay."

"Great." Hey, is it just me or was I taking control? Oh god, being in her body was already having an effect on me.

"And Kyon?!"

"What now?"

"You'd better not try anything funny while you're in there!"

"Funny?"

"You know what I mean!!"

Funny? What could I possibly do that would…I looked down, noticing the wet shirt sticking to my chest. Oh.

Getting dressed was a problem. I searched all the wardrobes in her room before finding the one where she kept her clothes. Now…about undergarments….I opened one of the drawers to find them in a variety of colours and patterns. I had to admit some of them were pretty se…snap out of it!!

I undressed, closing my eyes, not wanting risk incurring Haruhi's wrath, even if she was now in my body. I grabbed a random undergarment meant for the lower body out of the drawer and put it on, trying desperately the resist the urge to look downwards. The next garment was quite a problem. I picked it up, looking at it curiously…I had to admit I had no godly idea as to how it was meant to be worn. After 10 minutes of staring aimlessly at it, I gave up, tossing it back into the drawer.

I pulled on the sailor uniform, the shirt and the rather short skirt. Wearing a skirt felt extremely uncomfortable. Hard to believe girls have the courage to wear it almost everyday. I picked up the red ribbon meant to be attached to the uniform, perplexed as to how it was meant to be tied. I looked at the clock and saw that school started in fifteen minutes. No time to wonder about it, I stuffed it into one of the pockets of the skirt. I went over to the mirror in her room. Why hadn't I noticed that before? Looking at myself…her, in the mirror. Once again I had to admit she was really cute when she wasn't in the middle of a plot that would effectively make the SOS brigade's lives miserable. Okay, I thought, looking at myself in the mirror. Anything I was forgetting?

I checked the bedside table.

Ah, there. Next to her hair ribbon was that blinding red armband she always wore. Currently on it were the words 'Ultra Dancer' - a grim reminder of a chain of events I don't even want to think about. Next to it was the black pen she used to write on it... the temptation was enormous. What to write? 'Ultra Idiot'? 'Ultra Eccentric'? 'Ultra big mouth'? In the end, I just settled for 'Ultra Armband-wearer'.

I picked up her hair ribbon, wondering how her hair was meant to be tied up. I smirked devilishly to myself…herself? I really didn't know anymore. I then tied my…her hair into a ponytail. Now she looked even better. I smiled at the reflection, my heart almost dropped.

Pulling on my socks, I grabbed her school bag, assuming she had packed the night before, and ran downstairs. There was no-one, so I assumed that her parents had left earlier. I hurriedly went into the kitchen. Spotting a jug on the table, I picked up one of the glasses left on the table, washed it in the sink, and poured some of whatever was in the jug, which turned out to be green tea. It was lukewarm. That meant her parents had already left quite a bit earlier. Going over to the door, I put on the pair of shoes which looked like hers, and went out.

As I walked out of the house, the many differences between Haruhi's body and mine began to show.

Firstly, walking. Haruhi's legs were quite a bit shorter than mine, and it took me a while to get accustomed to this new set of limbs.

As I teetered and swayed along the path, I was sure that any figure of authority that spotted me would have me arrested immediately for suspected illegal drug abuse.

It would be even more likely if they knew Haruhi prior.

Second was the difference in clothing. Wearing this uniform subjected myself to a lot more breeze, especially in...certain areas. Even though this made me instant eye candy, it was actually much better than the stuffy trousers that boys have to wear.

I wonder which gender gets the better deal?

Nevertheless, I eventually got used to using Haruhi's body, kind of the same way you got used to carsickness.

Right. Now, to get my bearings. For the first time in my life, I was glad that our school was atop a megalithic hill, as I could clearly see it against the horizon from Haruhi's doorstep. Time to set off.

As I continued my trudge up the steep hill to school and arrived at rendezvous point, I began looking around. Come to think of it, it would be the first time I could freely see myself in the third person. Videos, photos and mirrors don't really count for a number of reasons.

Ah, there I am now.

I really shouldn't have let my expectations rise.

It may have been my body, face and voice, but the person standing there then was definitely not me. Anybody that saw this Kyon would immediately ask who he was and what he'd done with the real me. On that note, I really hope you know, Haruhi, cause this whole thing is still freaking me out.

So, looking at myself again... good god, Haruhi, what have you done?

My hair had been gelled backwards like a patch of dead seaweed, and in front of my face was a pair of tacky tinted glasses. And even worse, on my face itself was a arrogant, menacing expression that was just about acceptable on Haruhi, but combined with my below-average looks was enough to scare off little children. Maybe that was her intention.

"W-what have you done?! I can't believe you would do this after you told ime/i not to try anything funny!" I exclaimed.

"Huh? Oh... It's just that your old look always struck me as kinda boring." She yawned slowly.

"Well, it's just that this new look strikes me as kinda insane!" I retorted sharply, but as per usual, this retort was ignored. Such a pity that all my good sarcastic remarks are used against Haruhi, the one person who would never be able to appreciate them.

After being mildly irritated for a few moments, I decided to let it go... for now.

"So, Haruhi... what are we going to do about this?"

"Huh? I dunno."

Shouldn't you be a bit more concerned?!

"I don't really see any reason to worry."

"What if people find out?"

"You're boring old Kyon, and I'm the super-amazing Haruhi! Complete opposites. No matter how hard we try, people will notice eventually, so what's the point?

Anyway, it would be better if they knew! Then people will start realising that mysterious things can really happen!" Such a big smile couldn't possibly fit on my face.

I have a feeling that once again, I'm going to have to rely on the ever-reliable Nagato-san to help me out of this somehow.

"Let's just go to class for now." I sigh softly and turn around to walk into school, only to be suddenly yanked backwards by the shirt collar.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" My voice echoes over me in a commanding tone that doesn't suit it at all.

"What have you done to my hair?!" Haruhi bellows.

"Huh? It's a ponytail. What's wrong with that? You used to do it, right?" I smile smugly.

"But don't you have a ponytail fe-" She stops halfway. So she actually remembered that bizarre night.

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

"... Forget it."

Hah! After all that previous torment Haruhi had put me through, this is a nice minor act of revenge. Insignificant, but satisfying.

But something was still bugging me. Why on Earth had this even happened in the first place? It's obviously Haruhi's fault, like every other problem I get into, but why would she have wished for this?

Irritated at each other for reasons that neither of us could reveal, we slowly walk into school.

"Oh, and Kyon?" Haruhi turns around as we enter the school doors.

"Yeah?"

"I was quite surprised when I got you ready for school this morning! I didn't expect it to be that long!"

If I was drinking something then, it would have been sprayed all over the floor.

"Wha-?"

"Your history essay. It was well over the criteria sensei set. I would have thought you'd get it over with as soon as possible and throw it aside. Very impressive."

I sigh softly, not knowing whether to be relieved or not.

A/N-Kite Impulse-Chapter 1 done! Hah, my section is so much better than Cerium's. Turned out better and longer than expected. I have high hopes for this fic! The dressing scene was a nice opportunity for abit of fanservice, though I can't use much detail due to the T rating we've settled on.

A/N -Cerium Radonite-"Hiiii! CeRn here. I would like to say that this story was my idea and all the good bits were written by me. I know the basic plot of this fic is a bit cliched, but I thought it would work really well with Kyon and Haruhi's personalities. I hope you agree.

**OH BTW, REVIEWS PLEASEEEEEEEEE, COOKIES FOR THOSE WHO REVIEW, AND A FREE HARUHI BOBBLEHEADD!!**

**REMEMBER TO STATE WHOSE SECTION YOU LIKE BETTER!**

Credits:

Inside house scene-Kite Impulse

Outside house-Cerium Radonite

Painstakingly edited and reformatted by Kite Impulse.

(OMAKE DELETED) --"


	3. How troublesome

Continuing into the school, fearing whatever challenges the day would bring, I managed to find Haruhi's shoe locker. Swapping shoes like I usually did, I have to admit I was slightly surprised when I found a confession letter waiting for me….her. I took it and slipped it into my…her school bag, I could read it and then decide how to deal with it later. Although the best course of action would be to arrange for the sender to see a psychiatrist immediately.

Not thinking, I sat in my usual seat, eliciting some minor stares from my classmates.

"What?" I asked them. No answer, they just turned away. That was when I walked in. Oh, right.

I was reminded of our current situation, quickly changing seats. No wonder no-one answered me, the entire class lived in fear of Haruhi.

I noticed a sudden change in the mood of the class. Whatever they were talking about before, the subject was dropped and they were now whispering, pointing and making gestures towards Haruhi in my body. Oh no….the hair…the sunglasses….what little reputation I had has completely evaporated thanks to her. Imagine what that idiot Taniguchi would say once he sees what Haruhi had done to me. Then again, imagine what he would say when he finds out I'm really in what he would a consider an A+ body.

Though it seems even Taniguchi isn't stupid enough to try and approach Haruhi. Whoever put that confession letter in her locker either doesn't know Haruhi at all, or is in desperate need of some professional help.

"Hey Kyon, you _do _know that we have a test today?!" I'd prefer it if you'd not call me by that name while in my body, it seriously feels weird. But that's irrelevant right now…

"Oh Crap! I Completely Forgot!"

"Honestly, you idiot. Listen, even if we're in different bodies, our handwriting should be the same, so just do the test like you normally would, but write your _own _name on it. Okay?!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever." What was the test on again?

English…my worst subject. Well, I can speak it well, until we have to interpret the works of that damn Shakespeare. Which just happened to be the main focus of this test.

Q2. _Discuss how Shakespeare portrays the court, and the Forest of Arden, in his play:"As you like it". Mention Pastoral Idyll and include quotes in your answer. (15 marks)_

Damn…I haven't even read the first act of that play…guess that's my fault since it was part of our homework…but what the heck is…'Pastoral Idyll"?? Now I'm starting to regret falling asleep in English class. I picked up Haruhi's copy of the play and scanned it. Oh, she made notes and highlighted some of the text. Thank god.

40 minutes later, I only had the following sentence written on my essay:

"_Shakespeare portrays the court and the Forest of Arden through:"_

Even the notes Haruhi made didn't help me. Looking up at her…me. I could see she was annoyed at not having her original notes, though I could see through the gap between her and her body she'd already written about two pages. Dammit.

I decided to look through the book again, staring aimlessly at the words as if the answer would somehow jump out at me. It's hopeless. Even though me and Shakespeare can speak the same language, I still don't know what the hell he's writing about. Isn't this an _English_ lesson?! And what kind of title is "As you like it"?!

Another 30 minutes later and the test was over. I was left with:

"_Shakespeare portrays the court and the Forest of Arden through several different methods. From a glance, one can tell that two settings are very different, and.."_

I guess that'll land me at least one mark. I wrote my name down, and the teacher collected the tests in. Though now that I look back on it, I should've left my name out and saved myself the embarrassment of having the lowest mark in the class. Oh wait, if it was the only one in the class without a name…then it would be obviously mine. Ah but then it would be Haruhi who would get the test back, not me, WAHAHAHAH. Damn you to hell Shakespeare. Maybe I could ask Asahina-san to send me back in time so that I could murder Shakespeare myself.

Oh right, how would the rest of the SOS brigade react to this? Should we tell them? I'm pretty sure Nagato-san is aware of this, but what about Koizumi and Asahina-san. I guess I can go consult Nagato-san during lunchtime.

Finally, class had ended, and I breathed out a sigh of relief, patting myself on the back for being able to survive such an ordeal. Now I know how Noah felt, stranded in the middle of potentially stormy waters with seemingly no hope. However, my ark had a significantly larger hole in it: Haruhi Suzumiya, in the guise of myself.

Well, it was lunchtime, but this was no time to be eating lunch. Whenever I was stuck in one of these chaotic concoctions of Haruhi's, I could always count on the one who always successfully pulls me out - the ever reliable Nagato Yuki.

There was no question of where to find her. As reliable as the sun rising in the morning, Nagato was faithfully sitting by the windowsill, reading through H.G. Wells' 'War of the Worlds'. I wonder what she thought, if she thought anything, of early human's image of aliens, being one herself?

I should stop sidetracking. So, the silent alien was there, as expected, but what maybe wasn't so expected, or particularly pleasing either, was the additional presence of me. I mean Haruhi.

Just what was she doing here? Shouldn't she be on her patrols or something? Though it seemed that she was simply sitting down, making conversation. Just great. The one time where I would have preferred her being away soemwhere acting weird. Actually, scratch that- she was in my body, and my reputation so far has been tarnished, smashed, and stepped on enough by her.

"Yuki! How are you?" I watched them converse through the doorway, unnoticed, as she swung her legs back and forth, resting on the brigade chief's desk.

No reply.

"Has anything exciting happened to you today?"

"No."

Just what was going on in her head? Why was she trying to talk with someone who never, ever talks back? And in my body, no less? If it were anyone else, I would demand an explanation, but with someone like Haruhi, ignorance is bliss.

"Interesting book?"

"Intriguing."

"Okay."

This was even more awkward than watching Taniguchi trying to score on girls. Probably worse, because if I laughed at the conversation starter afterwards, I'd end up with a black eye.

"...Hey, Yuki... I know this is kind of out of the blue... but I was just thinking how valuable a brigade member you are."

"We can always rely on you for stuff... and... uhhh... I bet that if the brigade members were suddenly attacked by an evil alien or giant mutant insect, you'd somehow be able to save the day!"

Knowing her, she probably plucked that out of thin air. But you can never really tell with Haruhi...

"Uhhh... so, I suppose you're a really good person."

Nagato stopped reading, and looked up for a moment, eyes slightly wider than usual. Half a second later, she simply complied with a nod and kept on reading. Wha- how did...? That was probably the closest I've ever seen Nagato to a smile.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that Haruhi would be the one to spur such a reaction from her.

"Have a good day."

And with that, she stood up and walked out, only to be intercepted by me in the hallway.

"What on earth did you just do?"

"Well, I always thought that Yuki was a bit underappreciated, so I thought maybe she could do with some compliments."

And why did you choose to do this when you happened to be in my body? Wouldn't it be better if you did under more normal circumstances?

"You really are an idiot." She scowled. "It wouldn't do for the chief to give such a high compliment to a lower-ranked member!

... Besides, I noticed you're about the only one she listens to."

Sighing, I send her off to do other things and walk into the clubroom.

"Hey, Nagato..." I begin, but stop suddenly as I notice something.

After receiving that compliment... Nagato seemed... a bit different. Definitely in a positive way. Was it because she thought I had complimented her?

Nahhh... surely she must have figured things out.

But what if she hadn't? What if, by some small chance, she geniunely believed that it was the real me who had said that, and was now acutely elated as a result?

I look at her reading, hang my head, and walk away.

I couldn't ask her for help. Not if it meant letting her down like that.

...So. Even though Asahina-san would be incredibly supportive and considerate, she would be about as useful as she is cute. So I probably shouldn't go to her for help.

So that left... dangit. I hoped it wouldn't come to this.

Actually, thinking further, maybe it would be best not to tell Koizumi either. He'd never let me hear the end of it, and probably bring up more psychobabble and bogus alleged insights into Haruhi's thoughts.

And so that now left... nobody. Was I going to have to keep this secret, then?

Oh, great.

I was halfway between the clubhouse and the school building when the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch break. Fearing the prospect of being late, I broke into a run when I realised what lesson we had next.

Gym.

A/N-Kite Impulse-Chapter 2 done the next day, hah! And no we are not on crack. The opinions expressed by Kyon during the test segment reflect my own, and the question he was give is an actual essay I was tasked to write 3 weeks ago. I myself can't wait to get started on the next chapter! Kyon getting changed in Haruhi's body, its gonna be fun.

And Cerium, you hinted at KyonxYuki, how could you?!

A/N-Cerium Radonite-Though I support the pairing, I have no intention of including and blatant KyonxYuki. Some mild hints maybe, but nothing tooo obvious. And btw, I disagree with Kite's opinion on Shakespeare.

Chaper 3 coming soon, look forward to it!


	4. Symphathies for the harassed

Gym

Gym. It was the one class I was worried about for a number of reasons.

I'd have to change with the other girls.

Haruhi would have to change with the guys.

Okay so there were only two reasons. But still, they were both significant.

Upon arriving back at the class, I checked Haruhi's bag, sure enough her gym clothes were in there. Now…how to get changed. There were still a couple of people in the room. Smiling to myself, I decided to pull a Haruhi, as she was in the room as well, sitting with Taniguchi and Kunikida, though she was visibly annoyed at the two of them.

You may wonder why I decided to get changed in this manner. Well, my intention was to act like Haruhi normally did in order not to raise suspicion. Okay fine, I just wanted to have some fun with her body. After all, she was the one who made me look like a freak.

I started to lift my shirt slowly, making each movement deliberate and obvious. After hearing her yell, I couldn't help but smile to myself. Not so funny when someone else does it, is it?

However, when I reached about the halfway mark, I suddenly remembered something very important.

Or rather, the lack of a certain important undergarment.

Now, Haruhi probably deserved it after all she'd put Asahina-san through, but I like to think of myself as a pretty decent guy, so even if it was coming to her, I started pulling the shirt back down over my body...

But this was interrupted as I immediately felt it being pulled sharply in another direction.

"YOU IDIOT! WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING? REMEMBER, THAT BELONGS TO ME!"

Haruhi, not giving me time to pull my shirt back down, grabbed her own schoolbag and dragged me by the wrist out of the room like always. Only this time the roles were reversed. Well, visually anyway.

Oh god, what would the class think after seeing me drag a half dressed Haruhi out of the classroom? Not to mention the implications of what she shouted…I'd rather not think about that right now.

"Hey, where are we going?!"

"Isn't it obvious? We need to find somewhere for you to change! Honestly, what are trying to do to me?!"

"I could ask you the same thing!"

We arrived at the girls bathroom. Shoving me into a stall, she quickly blindfolded me with her tie. And started to undress me.

"What's this for?!"

"Isn't it obvious? I'm trying to change my own body here!" I sighed as I could feel myself being forcibly stripped, much like how Zeus, in the form of an eagle, had once torn the clothes off an unfortunate maiden. If memory serves right, the maiden in question jumped into the sea to avoid her fate. Thought it seems like that wasn't an option in this case. Anyway, it's not as if I hadn't seen a scantily-clad Haruhi prior to this.

"W-what? No bra? How dare you!"

"You expect me to know how to put that on?!"

"I bet you did that on purpose just for your own amusement!"

And how is what you do to Asahina-san any different?

"Ugh, Kyon you idiot, why did I let you get me into this?"

"Huh?! You make it sound like its my fault!" She took the blindfold off my eyes, for me to find her face surprisingly close to mine. I can't tell you how weird it feels to be staring straight at yourself. Okay so maybe you've done it in the mirror, but this is on a whole different level. Especially when you can see your own body doing things on someone elses accord.

"Listen Kyon, as long as we're stuck like this, you'd better not do anything to mess up my reputation."

"What about you? Now the whole class thinks I'm a freak! Not to mention that god knows what the class will think after they've seen me drag you half dressed, out of the classroom!"

"Its okay if your life is ruined, but I want mine to remain the way it was for when I get it back! I know you don't like this situation, but neither do I, okay?"

Wait…she doesn't like this situation? If that's the case, wouldn't her powers have already reversed this process? So…since we're still like this, could that mean she….wants things to remain like this for now? Though I can think of no possible reason for that.

"Class is starting, I've got to get myself changed as well." And with that she ran off, leaving me alone in the bathroom to ponder the situation.

Well, so far Haruhi had probably ruined quite a sizable chunk of my reputation, so I guess it would be fair to say that gym class was payback... even if it was kind of unintentional.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty decent at sports, but compared to what everyone expected of Haruhi, my skills would be equal to those of a one-armed monkey.

... a BLIND one-armed monkey.

By the end of gym, I was sure that the rest of the team's dislike of Haruhi increased slightly, but none of them had the nerve to come up and tell me.

"Right!" Haruhi announced, running up to me quickly. "Now I'm gonna change you back into uniform! Hurry and follow me!"

Hey, hey, wait! Give me a moment to breathe! Unlike you, my supply of energy is limited!

"No time!" She yanked me along by the arm into the girl's bathroom.

Stop pulling so hard! That hurts!

"'Tis but a flesh wound! Now shut up and put this on!" She hands me the blindfold.

Is this really necessary?

"You shouldn't even think about defiling the brigade chief with your lowly eyes!"

"...Wait, these are your eyes. And since you're doing this, wouldn't that mean your body's being defiled by my real eyes and hands?"

"Hurry up! Class is almost starting!"

I can never quite understand how she manages to be oblivious to any of my retorts that make sense.

Finally giving in, I slip the blindfold on and am immediately chucked into a nearby cubicle and half-suffocated by the rapid movement of fabrics.

This forced costume changing session was over before I knew it. Not surprising; she must have had loads of practice with Asahina-san. Whipping the blindfold off, she prompty reopens the cubicle door and walks out, leaving me panting heavily from the run here.

I was just aboput to follow her out when I heard a familiar voice.

"Oh, Kyon!"

"Oh, hi."

Oh, no...

"Kind of a funny place to meets ya. Hows things?" the ever-jolly voice of Tsuruya-san laughs. No mistaking that speech pattern.

"Meh, boring as always."

"I thought you liked tame things?"

"What? Impossible!" haruhi's voice suddenly flared up. "If ever I had an admiration for the uninteresting, I deserve to stand on the school roof and do the Hare Hare Yukai dance in a ballet costume!"

"...Wooows! I'm gonna look forwards to that!

So, Kyon, what's ya doin in a place like this?"

Pleasegiveheragoodexcusepleasegiveheragoodexcusepleasegiveheragoodexcuse...

"Oh, me? Well, I'm checking for undercover magic schoolgirls, of course!"

Pleaseshutupnowpleaseshutupnowpleaseshutupnow...

"Reallys? Hows ya gonna do that?"

"Everyone knows that girls need a private place to transform into their mahou shoujo forms! What better place than the bathroom?"

I hear a loud thunk. She probably tried stamping her foot for emphasis again.

"Ohhhhhh So you're basically spying on all the girls here? Clever!"

I really want to do something about this conversation, but if Tsuruya saw a panting Haruhi Suzumiya emerge from the same cubicle as 'me', then things would get even worse...

"Good luck, then! I'll be sure to send Mikuru your way!"

Her light, energetic footsteps eventually faded, and I deemed it safe to step out.

I'll really have to think of a way to explain this to her when this is all over.

"Haruhi! What part of 'Don't let people suspect anything' did you not understand?"

"All of it! That command made no sense whatsoever! There was no logic behind it at all! And besides, you have no right to order your brigade chief around!"

I'm not accepting that from you, of all people!

"Hmph!" She folded her arms.

"Hang on. Class starts in a few seconds and you yourself haven't yet changed..." I suddenly realised.

"No worries. I'll change while walking." She walks out and begins taking her shirt off.

Gah! Has she no concern for the mental sanity of her brigade members?

A/N-Kite Impulse-This chapter turned out to be pretty challenging, although I put my section off for as long as possible XD.

A/N:Cerium Radonite- I actually had no intention of having Tsuruya appear there, but the oppurunity simply presented itself that way. Hope you enjoy!

(Kite impulse: it was my suggestion you dumbass..)

Anyway, look forward to the next chapter!


	5. The evils of the rumour mill

It was late in the day, and a melancholy mood had settled down on the classroom. Nobody was to blame; it was Friday afternoon, more like a transition period between class and rest than a time to do actual work.

I lay slumped down over Haruhi's desk, gazing absent-mindedly at all the pencil scribbles of UFOs scrawled across the wood. Kind of reminded me of Da Vinci's work.

Sensei had stepped out of the room for a while, leaving us alone to read textbooks most of the lesson, but of course nobody was really doing that. You'd have to be someone like Nagato to read on an afternoon like this.

And so everyone in class was chatting away… I always found a bit odd how a room full of chatter sounds the same, no matter what type of people are talking, or what tone of voice they're using…

"Hey, Kyon." I hear the excited voice of Taniguchi. I almost replied automatically, but…

"OW! WHAT?" Luckily, Haruhi had replied before me, grabbing the sharp pencil jabbed into her by her next-door neighbour with reflexes that would make a panther sneeze.

Taniguchi, even though a bit startled by such an un-Kyonlike reply, nonetheless continued with what he was about to say.

"Why didn't you tell me that you and Suzumiya hooked up?"

"WHAT THE HECK?!" Haruhi almost leapt out her chair, clenching her fist so hard that the unfortunate pencil that happened to be in her hand snapped in half, never to write again. The whole class turned around to stare at her. Kyon making a scene… without the help of Suzumiya? Surely impossible...

I had a similar reaction to this, though it wasn't as outspoken as the loud-mouthed brigade leader's. Definitely more of an inside reaction, since I managed to gather the effort to pretend I hadn't heard anything and remain sleeping. But oh, the thought was definitely there.

"Don't play dumb, Kyon! It's nothing to be ashamed of!" Taniguchi laughed, as the attention of the rest of the class, seeing nothing really out of the ordinary, gradually dwindled.

Speak for yourself. If word became official that I was with Haruhi for any reason other than her 'voluntary arrest', I would most certainly be too afraid to show my face in public any more.

"W-what are you talking about? Get real!" She snapped back.

You should really take your own advice more often, Haruhi.

"This is as real as it gets, Kyon! Even just before gym, the whole class saw you grab her and shout 'That body is mine!' And she didn't even deny it! That's impressive! …Just how far have you two gotten?"

"Umm… that's…" Her face was turning pale.

See, Haruhi, now do you see the disadvantages of yelling your head off whenever you feel like it?

"Still, Kyon. I'm pretty impressed. I still remember right at the beginning of the school year, when you told me how cute she was and you wanted to go out with her."

What? I never said anything close to that! That was simply what you wrongly inferred!

But, of course, Haruhi had no way of knowing that this wasn't true.

"He- I- I did?" She stared. I'd really like to know what's going on in her head right now. Mainly for reasons of damage control.

"Yep! Don't you remember? Maybe she made you forget or something." He paused for a moment. "Come to think of it, why did you agree to having her, anyway? She may be cute and all, but looks aren't everything…"

That's a surprise, hearing it from you.

"I can't remember how many times you've complained about how irritating, big-headed, insane, or inconsiderate she is… I mean, her looks may be an A, but her personality would be an E!"

"Is…that…so?" She muttered softly, fists clenched tight, right eye twitching. Uh-oh. She looked like a volcano about to erupt.

"Hey, chill, man, I won't criticize your girl too much." He smiled innocently, noticing her anger and trying to calm her down.

"Who said she was my girl?" She yelled. "Someone like the chief of the SOS brigade is light-years out of my league!"

"Explain the gym-changing incident, then." He grinned like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

"Uhhhhh…"

"Anyway, after you ran out of the classroom, I decided to follow and see where you went." He waved a finger slyly.

Oh, no. Oh, god, no.

"Both headed into the same bathroom! Just what did you get up to in there?"

"She was checking me for robotic alien spy probes!" She quickly blurted out, followed by another bout of Taniguchi's laughter.

"Hah! That's what they all say!"

Since when?

"Kyon, Kyon, Kyon…" He continued, smiling, "Once again with the poor cover-ups. First you and Nagato, and now this…"

Time froze. I officially hated that conversation.

"What was that? Me… and Nagato?" Haruhi raised an eyebrow, thankfully still doubtful.

Unfortunately, all doubt continued to be destroyed by my idiot friend.

"Yeah! Don't expect me to believe that stupid 'Anaemia' story! Admit it! You and Nagato were about to-"

"About to what?" I finally made a move, standing up quickly and staring him down before he could finish off whatever sick and twisted image he was forming.

"Ah-um-play chess." Taniguchi quickly finished.

Good enough. I sat back down, but could hear him whispering to Haruhi.

"Don't worry, buddy! I wouldn't rat you out to your girlfriend!"

…If only you knew…

The bell rang, signalling the end of the school day. All I can say is, about bloody time! I thought the day would never end! Anyway, time to check the letter from Haruhi's shoe shelf this morning…

Hang on. Sould I really be opening something addressed to Haruhi?

Ah, who cares? If it were a letter to me, she'd rip it open without a second thought.

_Haruhi Suzumiya, I have had my eyes on you for a long time, please come to meet me in front of the gym when everyone is gone. You won't regret it._

_Secret Admirer._

I wonder if Haruhi gets this kind of stuff often. In any case, it would probably be better just to ignore this guy for now.

"Kyon, ready to go?" I saw myself standing over me. Has it occurred to her how weird it sounds for her to call me that while she's in my body?!

"Yeah, hang on...Okay."

We made our way to the club building together. Looking at what happened next, maybe that was a mistake.

"By the way..." She frowned while walking, "What was that just now about you and Yuki?"

"Ummm... It's just as you heard! She challenged me to a chess match!"

"Don't give me that-"

Fortunately, she stopped halfway. Why? I'll tell you why, because on our way to the club building, we were confronted by an upperclassman. I recognised the guy. Kind of. I'd seen him appear in our school newspaper a couple of times, if I was correct, he was in the third year and the captain of the football team, not to mention a sort of pimp.

"Hey you, so you two are together now are you?" He said, pointing a finger at me…well, Haruhi in my body. Oh great, now even the seniors know, damn that Haruhi for making everyone suspect us. Though you have to be amazed at how fast rumours spread around the school.

"Haruhi-chan, forget about that loser, why don't you go out with me?"

Loser!? My eye twitched, so this was the guy who wrote the letter. Haruhi-chan? He was acting as if he already knew her well. Was this guy seriously thinking that he could win Haruhi Suzumiya over?

"C'mon, don't you know? All the girls line up for a day with me, I'm giving you a special deal here." He continued, as if he was entitled to having Haruhi. Looking up at her, she obviously starting to get annoyed as well.

"You're really an idiot aren't you?" She finally said, shaking her head.

"Wh-what did you just say?!"

"You heard me, I can't stand guys like you, acting like you own the place." She said, folding her arms.

"You arrogant bastard! I'm going to have to teach you a lesson!"

"Look who's talking" She calmly replied.

The senior snapped, charging straight at Haruhi, his fist held out.

She ducked to the left, before delivering a punch into her attacker's abdomen that would make even Iron Mike Tyson appear to have strength equal to Asahina-san, no offense to her. She then followed up with an elbow to the back of his head, while he was doubled over, knocking him face first into the ground.

Picking him up by the scruff of the neck, she looked him straight in the eyes.

"Listen dumbass, Haruhi Suzumiya belongs to noone but me, remember that! And tell everyone else as well!" And with that she dropped him into the dust. Since when did my body carry that kind of strength? Haruhi's will power was truly something to fear and behold.

"You bastard….I'll…remember this…" He coughed, before he gave out. I just hope he didn't some seeking revenge together with his followers. Though somehow I knew that Haruhi would have no problem fending off 50 of them…after all she was in the judo and karate club for a short period of time before settling with the SOS brigade.

"Haruhi… you just said 'noone but me'…" I stared at her, and she cried out loudly and half-stumbled as she realised what she'd just said.

"I forgot I was in your body…" She slapped her forehead.

"You idiot! And now the guy's unconscious, so you can't correct your statement!"

"This is all your fault!" she yelled.

"How exactly is this my fault?!"

I sighed. As usual, it's Haruhi's actions that cause trouble for nobody but me…

A/N-Kite Impulse-And that concludes another chapter. I wish I could have put more detail in to the fight scene, but I wanted Haruhi to completely demolish the guy XD.

A/N-Cerium Radonite-We'll incorporate the rest of the SOS brigade in the next chapter, promise . Oh yeah, and I'd like to point out that Kite didn't really give me the idea for Tsuruya in the last chapter.

Credits

Classroom scene- Cerium Radonite

After school- Kite Impulse

Painstakingly edited and uploaded by Kite Impulse. (Though even more painstakingly edited by Cerium, who had to go through Kite's half of the manuscript and patch up a few bits that were unclear or underdeveloped...)


	6. Clubbers DelightDespair

As we were walking towards the clubroom, I noticed that for once, I was voluntarily accompanying Haruhi somewhere. Fancy that. An occurrence that would usually have taken a miracle. Though I suppose our current circumstances were more of an 'anti-miracle'…

We had just reached the clubroom, and I had intended to give Haruhi a short briefing about how to act: for the sake of people's feelings, namely mine and Nagato's, I thought it would likely be best if we tried our hardest not to let the cat out of the bag to the supernatural trio.

"GOOD DAY, BRIGADE!" Haruhi, probably on auto-pilot after all those times she used to do it, kicked the door open and walked in.

No, no, no!

If I go around with hair like that randomly kicking doors down, I'd look like one of those mindless thugs! In fact, with kidnapping, blackmail, trespassing and assault under her belt, that probably wouldn't be far from what Haruhi actually is. Come to think of it, how did she manage to get away with all that, anyway? Maybe it would actually be easier if she completely disguised herself as a completely different person who acts just like her. Suzumiya Haruki, maybe? It would certainly save me the effort of covering up all the damage she's doing to my reputation… Hey, and I could also disguise myself to avoid any of the trouble Haruhi usually gets! Kind of like a Kyon-ko…

Wait, what's that screamin - Gah! While I was off thinking about some ridiculous idea that'll probably never catch on, Haruhi went ahead with her usual Asahina-stripping! I needed to step in fast, or the fair maiden Asahina-san would never be able to look at me again!

…That's probably the best incentive for something I've had all year. Except maybe saving the world. But then again- Gah! Sidetracking again!

"Okay, stop that right now!" I throw the door open. I might as well try my best to act like Haruhi, to counter 'my' own abnormal behaviour.

"Let go of Asahi- I mean, Mikuru, and calm down!"

I grabbed onto Haruhi's shoulders and tried to wrestle her off.

It was hard enough when I was in my usual body, but with smaller limbs and the discoordination that came with a mind swap, it was near impossible.

"Koizumi! Yuki! Get Kyon off Mikuru and teach him his place!" I yell hopefully.

Nothing happened.

It seemed Koizumi had walked outside as per usual, as if nothing was different. Sneaky bastard.

Nagato simply continued reading as always. That's odd… she usually responds to direct orders.

"Hey, Yuki! I said to come and help!"

"No need. He will not perform any significantly immoral actions."

...

Uhhh, Nagato? Did you just have a short circuit or something? What part of what Haruhi is doing now doesn't count as 'significantly immoral'?!

"I trust him."

…

…

…

Gah! I'm in despair! A statement that normally would have made me proud of myself any other time now fills me with despair!

I needed to do something fast, as Asahina-san's clothing was now down to the bare essentials…

Something fast… that would successfully stop her… and it also has to be a plausible course of action for Haruhi …

Dangit, this is hard.

I looked over at the ensuing fabric carnage taking place. Haruhi was completely absorbed. Completely absorbed? Then maybe if I tried…

Flinging the door open, I pointed out the windows opposite the literature club room door.

"LOOK! IT'S AN ALIEN! QUICK, GET THE CAMERA!"

"REALLY?! WHERE?" Haruhi sprung up and ran out the door, leaving Mikuru shivering on the floor.

Wow. She really was like a little kid sometimes.

I quickly followed her outside and ordered Koizumi to get back in the clubroom (Of course he agreed).

Closing the door, I pulled her away from the window and began speaking.

"Listen, Haruhi! Are you really sure you want your brigade members to suspect something?"

"Who cares? They'll support me. Now be quiet and show me where the alien is!"

I sighed. Looked like I'd have to talk on her terms to convince her.

"Haruhi… think of your reputation as brigade chief! Imagine what they'd think if they realised!"

"Dunno. Not much." She shrugged it off, resulting in me slapping my forehead.

"I think if not the whole school, we should at least keep it from the brigade members. That's probably best."

"…Well… if you really think so, I suppose I could give acting like you a try. It can't be that hard to act boring."

Huh? She agreed this easily? What did I say that convinced her?

An image of Koizumi comes to mind, spouting off his usual psychobabble.

"Suzumiya-san probably wanted to agree with you in the first place, but didn't want to give in that easily lest she seem weak in front of you"

Shut up! Not just in real life, but in my mind now? What does that esper know?

Sighing, I turned around and opened the door again.

Let's give this another try…

The scene was just as I had expected, Nagato still sitting by the windowsill, Koizumi sitting there grinning and Mikuru sat on the floor sobbing, her head lowered in shame.

"Did you two managed to sort things out?" Koizumi smiled at us, tilting his head to the side.

"Erm, yes, now!" I quickly reply.

"W-w-what made Kyon-kun do that?" The poor maid said, eyes glistening.

"Uhhh… Someone must have slipped sake into his drink at lunch! But don't worry, I've extrapolated all of it out now!"

"How convenient. As expected of Suzumiya-san." The esper grinned.

"Now! Lets get to work on…something…" The brigade members were staring at me, even Nagato was looking at me now. Dammit, being spontaneous isn't exactly my specialty. Moving to the seat at the computer, I decided to get to work.

"Kyon! I want you to get to work dusting every corner of this room!" I grinned to myself. That should be adequate payback for now.

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"Wh-what?! How dare you disobey the brigade chief!" Great…her stubbornness was creating a scene once again.

"No you're not!" Oh god, I could feel the stares again. Is her memory that bad or is she really that arrogant?

"I am the brigade chief, you are just Kyon… remember?" I said through gritted teeth.

"…oh yeah, right" She seemed to get the message.

"Well erm…apart from that…Mikuru-san, shouldn't you be in your maid outfit? Oh wait, never mind! You can stay like that today…erm…aha…" I eyed Koizumi.

"Vice-president!"

"Yes ma'am?" He sprang to attention like the suck-up he was.

"I want you to go into town and buy me a box of cheesecake, you know, the most expensive one in town?" He raised an eyebrow, contemplating his course of action for a while before finally answering.

"Right away chief" He bowed and ran out of the room. I smirked, he knew better than to upset the almighty brigade chief.

"Erm…excuse me…" Asahina-san set down a steaming cup of her world class tea in front of me. The cup labelled "ultra chief". I took a sip, delicious as usual. I leaned back in the chair, my hands folded behind my head, I closed my eyes. It sure is pretty sweet to be the brigade chief, we might have a peaceful day even with Haruhi in the room.

Before I knew it, I had dozed off, and was awoken by Koizumi as he entered the room carrying a large box from the local confectionary. Surprisingly enough, Haruhi was actually sitting down quietly playing Othello with Asahina-san. Am I dreaming? Or has Haruhi actually managed to take this acting thing seriously? Hmm, maybe it wasn't necessarily acting…yeah, and a fanfiction about the death of a main character could get massive response.

"Now, Koizumi, I believe you have something for me?" I folded my arms and looked up at him.

"Yes ma'am, I have done as you asked." He set down the box in front of me. Eagerly, I opened it, the sweet aroma wafting through the room.

"Okay, since I'm in a good mood today, everyone come and grab a slice!"

Soon everyone had their share, well, except for Nagato, who hadn't moved from the chair beside the windowsill since I first came into the room.

"Erm, don't you want some Naga- I mean Yuki?" No answer, she just continued reading. Oh boy, if I was back in my body I'd almost certainly get a better answer. Probably something to do with her data composition or something. Whatever it was, I doubted I would understand the explanation anyway. I guess Yuki isn't allowed to explain anything to Haruhi which could be potentially dangerous. Was it the same for Koizumi and Asahina-san as well?

…Come to think of it, that did seem to be the case. I've never seen any of those three have a proper, normal (or as normal as you can get with them) conversation with Haruhi before. All they ever did so far was follow her commands…

I look over at a chuckling Haruhi talking about the cake with Asahina-san, and talking with Koizumi about how his excursion was.

Could it be that she was lonely? And jealous of me for being on better terms with the brigade than the actual chief?

Hmmmm… It might not be the only reason… but I feel like I'm understanding Haruhi's intentions with this switch just a little better…

Credits:

Everything before the line 'Let's give this another try…' by Cerium Radonite

Almost everything after by Kite Impulse

A/N -Cerium Radonite – I've taken over the editing, so things should seem a bit smoother now with less plotholes and all.

My original idea on how Kyon got Haruhi to stop harassing Mikuru was for him to kick her in the , but I decided that that was crude and generally un-kyonlike.

Also, after having an interesting idea, Kite's trying to get me to start up my own ff account to submit it…

P.S. I'd like to add that Kite's joke about fanfiction made no sense to me but he wanted it kept in anyway.

A/N-Kite Impulse-He hijacked the editing because I couldn't remain awake past 4 AM. I had no choice but to give in because Cerium is impervious to logic and coffee. I was mostly uninspired for this chapter, but there you go!


	7. Kick doubt

There was a soft thump as Nagato closed her book, signalling the end of the brigade meeting better than any clock. She stood up, placed the hefty tome back onto the shelf, and walked out of the door without saying anything.

"Kyon! Clean up the plates!" I looked up and shouted at Haruhi.

"What-?!"

"You're fifty years too early to be defying the brigade chief!"

"A hundred years! A hundred years too early! Geez, get it right!"

"What do you think you're saying?" I stared at her with a smug smile.

"…" She sulked off and began picking up the plates, muttering 'Yare, yare' under her breath.

Hey, you can't do that, that's my line! Nobody can say that but m- oh, wait. She is me…

"Right then, have a good day, you three." Koizumi takes his leave after putting away the Monopoly board.

"U-um, Kyon-kun… I'm going to change now, so if you could…" Asahina-san smiled nervously, still a bit shaken at what had happened earlier. Huh? She was wearing the maid outfit? Didn't I tell her that she didn't have to wear it today? Or maybe she was too used to it? More importantly, where and when did she change?

Anyway… this was irritating. A prime chance to watch the fair maiden without raising suspicion, but if I stayed behind, Haruhi would surely have my head…

and my arms…

and legs…

and about anything else remotely important...

I pushed the thought out of my mind.

"Well, I'm gonna stay outside with Kyon to make sure he doesn't try anything funny!" I grab Haruhi by the collar and drag her out.

A while later, a radiant Asahina-san emerges from the door, smiling and waving goodbye.

"Thank you for making sure Kyon-kun didn't do anything." She gives me a small bow.

…This is so unfair…

Now it was just the two of us packing our things in the literature clubroom. I finish first and stand in the doorframe.

"Right, Haruhi. See you tomorrow. Don't try and act too suspicious in my house."

And don't look under the bed, either.

Turning around, I was just about to walk away, when suddenly I hear her voice behind me.

"K-Kyon… wait…"

Huh? Her tone seemed kind of troubled, as if there was something bothering her. I turn around slowly.

"Yeah?"

She was rubbing her arm slowly, and looking at the ground, like a girl from some visual novel about to confess her feelings. Of course though, this was Haruhi, so that was pretty unlikely.

"Well…" She said, pausing.

"What?"

She took a deep breath.

"WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING, ORDERING ME AROUND LIKE THAT?! SWEEPING THE FLOOR, CLEANING UP THE PLATES, AND GENERALLY BEING TALKED DOWN AT! JUST WHO THE F DO YOU THINK I AM?!"

I take a step back as I was pummelled by this verbal onslaught.

"I AM YOUR SOVEREIGN OVERLORD, AND YOU ARE JUST A LOWLY UNDERLING, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!"

Uhhh…

"YOU

ARE

ONE

HUNDRED

THOUSAND

YEARS

TOO EARLY

TO BE DEFYING THE BRIGADE CHIEF!" She finally screams out, panting.

I was speechless for a moment, not being able to recall the last time she was this angry. Maybe I went a bit too far… Well, I suppose Koizumi and his friends might have some extra work to do tonight…

"Anyway, I have something else to talk to you about, too." She gives an innocent smile.

…That was scary. I kind of felt like I was confronting Janus, the two-faced god of the new year. One moment, Haruhi had the fury of a deranged gorgon, and the next, she had a face as calm as that of a sleeping siren.

And the fact that it was my face made it about ten times more frightening…

"Ummm… yeah? What is it this time?" I said, a bit wary.

"I've been thinking…"

'Liar' came up in my mind, but after just now, I dared not say it.

"I don't want our parents to find out about this switch."

"We'll just be extra careful, then."

"Idiot! Do you seriously think we'd be able to fool our parents? We're nothing like each other! The brigade meeting today proved that!"

She had a point.

"So what do you suggest we do, then?"

She paused and looked around. Biting her lip, and folding her arms. Uh oh. She was back in her bishoujo-character-about-to-confess mode…

I braced myself for another outburst.

"Well, the only choice is for us to go and sleep together somewhere away from our houses tonight…"

Ah, phew- WHAT?!

I stare at her as if she'd just announced that she was into Yuri manga.

Wait, let me take that metaphor back. Considering what she does to Asahina-san every day, that might not be far off… she has to get her ideas from somewhere…

Okay, I stare at her as if she'd just announced that she was running for student council president.

No, that also seems like something she'd do, if only for the purpose of enslaving the student body to her will.

I stared at her as if I had just been told that in truth, she was the controller of the universe and her brigade actually comprised of a super-powered space alien, a dazzling maiden from the future on a special mission to save the time stream, and a secret agent with magical powers.

…Let's just drop this metaphor.

"W-what did you say?" I get back on track.

"Don't misunderstand me…" She scowled. "This is the only choice left. Plus, I have to make sure you don't try anything funny with that body before you go to sleep."

"… Where do you have in mind, then?"

I really should have put up more of an argument.

"Hmmmm… just in case you try and do something to me anyway, we should make it somewhere where there's someone to keep watch."

Why would I try and do something like that to you? With our bodies swapped, that sounds like the plot of some twisted lemon…

Forgetting that, there was one place I knew I could stay without having to answer any questions.

"What about Nagato's apartment? She has a spare room."

Haruhi leers at me.

"…How do you know that?"

"Uhh- she must have mentioned it sometime."

"Mentioned? So you haven't been there?"

"Well..once." Wait, why did I just say that?! Her leer turned even worse, like a Tiger circling an enemy…

"Oh!? And what were you doing there?!" Oh god, I'm not going to be getting out of this easily. Maybe I should take a leaf out of Nagato's book and keep quiet most of the time. Though I don't think I'd be up for reading books by the windowsill all day.

"Well…just talking.." I nervously scratched the back of my head.

"About what?!"

Oh not much, you know, just the fact that she's an alien and that you're some kind of god, not to mention that you've almost destroyed the world several times. Well, that would be the honest answer. Of course I couldn't say that, or something...really bad would happen.

"Well…she just wanted to know if she could borrow some of my books." She bent over so her face was level with mine, rather intimidating. How dare you take advantage of my height! I want it back!

"Hmph…I'll let you off for now, but don't think I'm going to forget that so soon." What, am I a kid being punished by my teacher for saying my dog ate my homework? Although, if that teacher had Haruhi Suzumiya in her class, no excuse would seem too far-fetched.

So there we were, walking over to Nagato's house. You might wonder if we had permission. Well, we had already called up our parents and said we were staying over at a friend's, and I get the feeling Nagato wouldn't say much (if anything at all) about it, and Haruhi wouldn't care less.

I believe I once said that it was a dream of mine to be walking home from school together with a pretty girl. And now, I'm fulfilling my dream once again, but this time _**as **_the pretty girl. And, we're walking to the very same apartment. How nostalgic.

We were in front of the apartment building when a thought suddenly came to mind.

"Haruhi, how are we going to get into Nagato-san's apartment without a key?"

"Easy, we just ask the landlord for one."

"You honestly think he'll give it away that easily?"

"It's just a simple matter of persuasion." It seemed she honestly thought that the world revolved around her. Oh Haruhi, if only you knew.

"Hey, landlord!" I flinched as she yelled. Haruhi, haven't you ever heard of courtesy? You're making me look bad! I don't know about you, but I'd like my reputation to remain intact!

"Oh, it's you two youngsters from that other time! Nice to see you again, what do you need?"

"Can you tell us what unit Yuki is staying in?"

"Yuki…oh, Nagato Yuki-San? I think it was 6-C. Need anything else?"

"Yeah, do you think you could give us a key?"

"Ah yes, I remember seeing you with her a few times. Friends of Yuki, eh? Well, here you go." I raised an eyebrow. That was easier than I thought. Haruhi stuck her tongue out at me, I ignored her and headed for the lift, leaving Haruhi with the attendant in a small moment of foolishness.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?! I'LL SUE!"

"S-sorry sir! I was just joking." Anyone at the scene would have a seen a tall average looking guy holding an innocent old man by the collar through a window. Yare yare, not again… The last thing I wanted was for me to be accused of bullying helpless old men.

"Haru-, I mean, Kyon! Leave him alone!"

"No! I can't leave this perverted old man after what he just said." What he said? Don't tell me he…

My mind flashed back to what he told me the last time he saw us together. 'That girl will grow up to be a real beauty! Don't let her get away!' Or something to that effect, at least. If he just said something similar… I don't want to think about it.

"Kyon! Get off of him!" She didn't budge. Dammit, I want my old body back! I was already losing patience after the incident in the clubroom, but this time we were actually in public, with people watching. So there was only one thing to do now. Time to try a little Haruhi style. I set my bag down on the floor, took a few steps back, and charged straight at Haruhi.

"ORE-YAHHHH!!" I screamed, leaping off the floor, and half a second later both my feet connected with the side of Haruhi's head as I flew through the air like Shawn Michaels off the top turnbuckle. She was knocked straight to the ground face first. After I finished dusting myself off, I turned to look at her; she wasn't moving. At all. Flinching, I slowly inched towards her. She was still breathing, but perhaps I kind of overdid it. The people in the lobby were standing in shock. I could imagine a referee shouting 'K.O'!

I guess kind of underestimated this body.

I turned to the stunned landlord.

"Well, erm, thanks for the key, we'll be on our way now." And with that I hooked my arms under her shoulders and dragged her towards the lift. I could have sworn that I saw the landlord grinning perversely out of the corner of my eye.

I had arrived outside Nagato's door, dragging Haruhi behind me. Thinking about it, maybe this wasn't such a good idea… I definitely didn't want Nagato to find out about this, and after a night at her place, she'd be almost guaranteed to figure it out…

What other choice did I have, though? I wasn't about to drag my heavy body somewhere else… I wish I hadn't eaten so much over the past few days.

Leaving Haruhi against the wall for a moment, I knocked on the door slowly. Not even half a second after my fist connected with the wood, it swung open, revealing the small alien standing there, looking at me with a book in her left hand, and still in her school uniform, as always.

"Hey, Naga-" Hang on, I was supposed to be impersonating Haruhi in front of her.

"Good evening, Yuki!" I beam. "Do you think you could let us stay the night?"

Hopefully, if Yuki responded in the way I hoped, she would grant the controller of the universe her wish without asking any questions.

However, there was a slight pause. Was she suspicious of 'Haruhi's' actions?

"Uggghhhh…" The real Haruhi's pained moan of half unconsciousness could be heard as her body stirred slightly, but didn't wake up.

After that seemingly irrelevant sound faded, Nagato very slightly nodded her head. If I had blinked or had bad eyesight, I would have missed it.

"Thanks, Yuki!" I gave a fake grin.

Now to start praying things go smoothly for the rest of this stay…

Credits: Almost everything between the lines "Uhh- she must have mentioned it sometime." And 'I had arrived outside Nagato's door.' By Kite Impulse.

Everything else, including editing, by CeRn.

A/N- Cerium Radonide – Heheh, the brilliant thing about being Kyon is that if something doesn't make sense, you can just lampshade it xD By the way, I disagree with Kite's scene about Kyon knocking Haruhi out, but he was quite insistent on it…

…Bleah, this chapter dragged on too long. I was hoping for it to end with the pair going to sleep, but I suppose that might have to wait for later…

PS. Sorry if these chapters are being released kind of slowly, it's cause term's started and I go to a boarding school halfway across the world, while Kite Impulse is stuck at home. As you can imagine, the seven hour time difference makes communication rather slow and difficult.

A/N-Kite Impulse- That twisted lemon thing was my idea! I have half a mind to write it and post it in the M section as its own fic. That stupid CeRn is such a wet towel, urgh. Also, look out for my new TsuruyaxKoizumi lemon! (If you're into that sort of thing, of course) (Cerium would like to add that he is not.)(In other words, he may be gay.)


	8. Halftime shower

Once again I was walking to the literature club room, purely by muscle memory. Shamisen the cat was walking next to me, rubbing against my trouser legs. Hey, I have to wear this uniform every day! Don't get it dirty!

"Do not worry. You could simply buy another pair." The feline spoke calmly.

Ah, he was talking again? I shrug it off and continue on my path, which was completely the wrong thing to do. Usually something like this would have clearly indicated the current state of events, but nobody really pays attention to that stuff considering the circumstances.

I gently pushed open the clubroom door, and my eyes unconsciously flicked over to affirm the presence of the silently reading figure by the windowsill. Yep, there she was, oblivious as always.

All was well in the world, and it seemed like a normal- WAIT A MOMENT. The gears of my mind suddenly jammed up as I reprocessed what I was seeing.

"A-are you okay?" I asked hesitantly, walking over.

The girl nodded slightly, her long red hair swaying with her head.

"There is no cause for alarm. Even though I am currently utilising a varied iteration of the standard biological vessel you are accustomed to witnessing, that is the sole anomaly that has taken place. The chances of negative occurrences emerging from this are minimal."

The stream of obscure words flowed out of Asahina-san's mouth in that soft, sweet voice of hers, except missing a certain warmth, and the petit figure of the time traveller turned back to reading. Her eyes were still bright, but in a different way: they glinted rather than shone.

"B-but what if Haruhi finds out?"

"Suzumiya Haruhi would not be consciously aware of any variation." A pause. "A possibly larger concern from your perspective would be the events of fabric translation occurring behind you."

She raised a slender finger and points slowly.

Fabric translation…? Did she say things like this on purpose?

Nevertheless, I turned around…

And froze.

A slim figure with short, purple hair stood in front of me. In her left hand, there was a maid outfit. In her right was a school uniform. And on the rest of her body… almost nothing at all.

"Eh… ah… awawa… ahhh…" The alien stuttered quickly in the same voice as usual, except with noticeably more emotion.

"EEEEEYYYYAAAAAAHHHH!" She screamed out loud in a way I could never have imagined the mostly cool and flawless bookworm was capable of, clutching her clothes to her chest in an attempt to remove it from my sight.

"S-sorry!" My body reacted instantly and bolted out of the room past the beet red face of Nagato, with Shamisen leaping after.

I slammed the door shut and stood outside in the corridor. My heart was beating fast. Was it because of the shock of everything happening? Or maybe it was because Nagato Yuki in a state of undress looked kind of…

let's not go there. For everyone's sake.

A few moments later, the door creaked, pulled open by a dazzling maid.

"S-sorry, Kyon-kun…" Nagato (Or at least her body) muttered. "But…"

"It's okay." I quickly interrupted her.

"Uh... I-I'll bring some tea." She smiled sweetly, maybe a little guiltily, and the organic life contact-purpose humanoid interface stumbled away.

A little flustered, I quickly turned back to the now rather more shapely book reader.

"Isn't there any way to fix this? And soon?"

She turned towards me and lowered her glasses.

"The course of action to take is currently very volatile, as possible options are circumstantial."

…Which was basically Nagato's way of saying 'Let's leave things for a while and see where this leads'.

"…Hang on. Why are you wearing glasses again?"

"Observing the hidden image folder you have kept within the clubroom's digital operating system, your preference is for this facial structure to be accompanied by glasses."

…… Every girl in this club is trying to make me suffer, aren't they?

I sighed softly as Shamisen crawled up onto my shoulders. I suppose we should wait for the other brigade mem-

"OHHHAAA LUCCCKKYYY!" Haruhi cried, kicking the door open and holding shopping bags in her hands.

I could only see the red and yellow blurs of her armband and ribbon as she raced past me, grabbing hold of Nagato.

"Hey Yuki! I got you loads of new costumes! Magical princess, cat girl, fairy wings, and lots more! We'll pierce the heavens with your infinite moé!"

"Nooooo! Heeeelllppp meee!" The purple-haired girl sobbed as the brigade chief dragged her away from the kettle, already with her shirt half-removed.

"Gah-!" I ran out the door again, pushing certain cosplay images out of my head.

"This really needs to stop, and soon! Where's that idiot Koizumi when you need him?"

"At your service." Shamisen whispered into my ear. "Those girls certainly got the better bargain."

I stared at the cat with horror, and he stared back, with a very irritating, and very familiar smile.

"….NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"NOOO!" I screamed, waking up with a start.

"Kyon! Shut up and get back to sleep!" I heard my own voice next to me.

"Huh? Sleep? Ah… thank god." I sighed, looking around.

That's right. I was in Nagato's apartment, and Haruhi's body. Everyone else was in the correct one. Good.

Lying back down and unable to sleep due to post-dream trauma, I slowly recalled the events of last night after Nagato let us in to her apartment. Yeah, they went something like this…

Haruhi lay on the floor, unconscious, as Nagato and I sat at her table, holding small, steaming teacups. Normally, I would have tried to start a conversation, but standing in for Haruhi, there wasn't really much I could say. Just as she would, I attempted to finish the whole cup in one gulp, just to fill the awkward silence. Tilting my head back, I emptied its contents into my mouth.

And quickly had to spit it back into the cup again as it had completely burnt my tongue.

"…"

Forgive me, Nagato. My attempt at relieving the tension has completely backfired and most likely doubled it.

Actually, she probably wasn't feeling anything. When facing the 'potential for autoevolution', the silent alien's only job was probably to make sure the great Haruhi didn't get too angry, observe her, and prevent her from realising anything of the supernatural. There was no room for idle chatter or socialising within those instructions. Once again, was that the same for Koizumi and Asahina-san? I never thought I'd say this, but I guess I kind of felt a bit sorry for Haruhi…

My three friends in the SOS brigade (I suppose Koizumi just counts as one) were a main factor in my enjoyment of school life.

But what were they to the brigade chief? Subordinates? Pushovers? Almost never had I seen her treat them with equality…

So that means that while I had Nagato, Asahina-san, Koizumi, Taniguchi, Kunikida, and a few others…

All Haruhi had was… me, I suppose.

"Yare, yare…" I leant back and looked upwards, and then silently cursed at myself for letting my cover slip for a moment.

"Ugh… This place isn't lively enough!" I quickly make up for it. "Kyon, get up!"

I shook her body heavily.

"GYYAAAH!" Haruhi suddenly shot up, as if she had never been asleep. Maybe waking her was a bad decision. She looked around for a few seconds, and then with a bright smile, cried "Ah, Yuki! Hi!"

Since when was I on first name terms with her, idiot? This was definitely a bad decision.

Thankfully, Nagato didn't reply as usual, killing off the conversation. Good. Now maybe if I could just convince Haruhi to leave the room…

"So, Yuki, what do you think of me?" Haruhi asked without a moment's hesitation.

What's wrong with you? Are you still thinking about what Taniguchi tried to tell you?

If, according to Koizumi, you liked to hide your feelings so much, then why are you pretending to blatantly reveal mine?

"I'd really like to know!" She continued, "What sort of stuff have you done with me that you really enjoyed?"

There was an awkward pause in the room. Haruhi, completely oblivious, continued to smile. Nagato turned her head slightly and looked at me.

Ah, that's right. She wouldn't give a committal answer if she knew I was in the room. Okay. Things are getting a bit better now.

"I suppose that I have done many 'enjoyable' things with you, but I believe it would not be appropriate to discuss this while Suzumiya is listening in. Such matters should be only mentioned when we are in private."

Nagato… of course, I know you're talking about aliens, but still… don't say something that could be taken completely the wrong way!

…Actually, knowing her, she probably had no idea of what she was inferring…

As for Haruhi's reaction… I don't even want to mention it. Let's just say that she obviously did take it the wrong way.

"Ahhh… we'll both be going to bed, now!" I quickly cut in and drag Haruhi off into the spare room.

How on earth was I going to get myself out of this one?

I sighed in exasperation as I closed the bedroom door behind me.

"Hey Kyon… what did Yuki mean by that?" Haruhi's icy glare could have frozen a volcano. Quick, you've kept the world in one piece and yourself alive up until now, surely you can think of something…

"Ah! Erm…She'd prefer it if I didn't tell you. I have to keep it secret."

"SPILL IT."

The voice of a very angry god is not one that can be easily resisted.

"Well… you see… she really didn't want anyone to know… but actually… she has… a secret cosplaying hobby!"

"…Huh?"

"Secretly, Nagato really enjoys dressing up in costumes, but you always give them to Asahina-san instead. Even still, she kept quiet, because she was too embarrassed! But then, she came to me, and confessed about her crushing secret! So now, as a fellow SOS brigade member, I always accompany her to anime conventions, which is what she meant by 'enjoyable experiences'.

…And that's also the real reason why I know where her apartment is! And why Taniguchi saw us in that compromising position in the empty classroom that time - she was practicing a dance, but she tripped and I caught her!"

There was a very long pause. Nobody in their right mind would believe that. Which is why I was hoping Haruhi might.

"…..I guess makes sense." She finally nodded, much to my relief. "But really, it's nothing to be ashamed about! She should have told me! I could get her loads of new, sexy costumes if she asked! She would be perfect as Rei from Evangelion! She probably wouldn't mind if I took pictures of her, too!"

Perhaps that was what inspired my incredibly disturbing dream that night.

Anyway, I'm pretty impressed with myself. I managed to tie off all suspicion she had about my love life with a single lie. I'm kind of surprised she believed it so easily, though. Koizumi would probably say it was her believing what she wants to believe.

Wait… what if it becomes true because she believed it? I genuinely fear for Nagato-san's future now. Sorry, but that was my last resort in that occasion.

I sighed again, this time in relief. It was then I realised I had been sighing an awful lot since this whole fiasco started, and by that I mean even more than usual.

My reflection was interrupted by the rustling of material. Looking up from the floor, I saw Haruhi undressing. In my body.

"H-Haruhi! What are you doing?!"

"What does it look like? I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Y-you can't just-"

"Hey, this is your body isn't it? It's not like you've never seen it before. Geez." And with that she was inside the adjoining bathroom. Not like I've never seen it before? Wait, what do you mean by that? When did you – anyway, that's not the point!! Does she have any idea how disturbing it feels to see yourself like that!? True, there have been times when I flexed a muscle or two in front of the mirror, but this is different! I hope.

"Wait, how come you can see my body but I can't see yours?"

"Idiot, do you really have to ask? It's different when a guy looks at a girl!" Her voice muffled halfway through the sentence as she slammed the bathroom door behind her.

Slumping down against the wall, I thought that this would be a good time for me to find out exactly how we got into this mess. Whenever anything of such as this happened, my gut instinct was to blame Haruhi. Which seems a bit unfair, but I'm usually right.

"Hey, Haruhi."

"What?"

"Have you been having any…weird desires lately?" I asked tentatively. These were dangerous waters, but I needed to get to the bottom of this. After I asked, there was only the sound of the shower for a few seconds.

"W-well, even if I have, it's none of your business!" Her eventual irritated cry echoed from the door.

I chuckled to myself. So she obviously had some embarrassing desire that caused this whole fiasco. Well, I guess I could make some fun out of this.

"Well, you know the power of affirmation and suggestion. There's a rumour that if you write down something twenty-five times a day, it will happen, no matter how unlikely."

"Yes, I've tried that, but that stupid method didn't work. I never believed in it from the beginning anyway."

It's no surprise it didn't work if you didn't think it would…

"Well, maybe this time it would be different. It's never impossible, like that time-"

"Shut up! Stop talking as if you know what I've been thinking about! My mind is far too complicated for a subordinate like you to understand it!"

Actually, that's probably true. But not in the way she intended.

"Well, are you going to tell me?"

"Not a chance."

Darn it.

I decided to drop my inquiry there, for any more probing could have incurred the wrath of the gods. Before long, Haruhi was out. With a towel still wrapped around her waist, she motioned towards the bathroom.

"What now?"

"Get in the bathroom, idiot."

"You want me to take a shower?"

"I'm not sleeping in the same room as someone as sweaty and smelly as you are now, even if it is my body"

"So you're letting me shower myself?"

She frowned and shoved me into the steamed up bathroom, where I abruptly found myself blinded by a familiar article of clothing. And so began a process which I hoped would not have to become routine. She undressed me, and sat me down on the floor of the shower, where she scrubbed me off. Until she moved to clean a certain body part.

"Hey, hey! W-where are you touching?!"

"Hold still! Geez, I have to keep this part clean or…here, lift your…"

"Hey, wait, stop, ugh!" And so she continued to assault me until I no longer heard the spray of water falling from the showerhead. So this is how Asahina-san feels every day.

Towelling me off, she led me back into the room with the blindfold still on.

"Could you make things easier for me next time!? Geez, I've never heard of someone making such a big fuss over having their armpits washed."

"Hey, I just happen to be sensitive around there."

"Act like a man, Kyon! It's not like I was touching…you know..."

"Now…what should we get you to wear…I don't think I have anything…we'll just have to hang up what we wore today…you just keep that blindfold on for tonight."

"What? No, I refuse to be stumbling around in the dark for an entire night!"

"You'll be fine, Kyon. You're always in the dark anyway, now it's just more literal." I'm always in the dark? Look who's talking! You're in an alien's apartment, and without the slightest knowledge of it!

Haruhi whisked me around, wrapping a towel around my torso with about the grace and care of a rhinoceros that had a mile long horn, a bad cough, and a foot the size of a toothpick. Feeling rather sick due to the blindness coupled rather effectively to a simulated tumble dryer, the most logical thing to do was try and take off the blindfold. However, bringing my fingers to the knot, I found that it was more complicated than anything I'd ever seen or tied, which was rather ironic considering it was restricting my sight. Leave it to Haruhi to tie a devil's knot.

"Haruhi..."

"Hah, I knew you would try to take it off, so I gave you my special SOS knot!"

"SOS Knot?"

"**S**ave the world by **O**ppressing **S**tupid perverts!"

"I think the name is more stupid than any pervert you could find on earth."

"Hmph, I'm in the body of one right now, and besides, you forgot to mention all the other planets."

A talk with Haruhi, and death starts to seem like a luxury.

And so, after all that, I ended up asleep. I tried looking up at the ceiling, only to be reminded that I still had the blindfold on.

I turn my head to the side to get more comfortable, but am wary about falling asleep again for fear that I may experience another nightmare. Lord knows that a nightmare in my sleep is the last thing I need when I'm living through one…

Suddenly, I hear the sound of a door being opened. It wasn't slammed open, but it wasn't opened cautiously so as not to wake sleeping people either. Completely neutral.

I hear her footsteps moving across the room, until they stop in front of me. A few seconds later, I feel a tug as Haruhi's crazy SOS knot it cut upon, and I look up to find myself face-to-face with Nagato Yuki.

"Take care." She said.

"Wha?"

"You are in danger. I know that you are not Suzumiya, but she does not."

So much for my whole act, then.

"Wait… what do you mean by, 'she'?"

"Asakura Ryoko."

**A/N:** Cerium Radonide: Sorry this took so long, but exams are coming up and stuff.

I finished my half of this chapter ages ago, but Kite just had to lag on and on and spend his time writing lemons…

Oh yeah, if you like this, then read my solo Haruhi fic: The Melancholy of Emma Starbright.

Despite the name, it technically doesn't have any OCs, so check it out!

A/N: Kite Impulse: Again, sorry for the delay. But while Cerium's exams were coming up, he finished his half a week before the start of my EOY exams….so I had to put off writing for about 3 weeks…..

In any case, this chapter was pretty hard to write seeing as its an intermission chapter, thus the increased delay. But now that we've got the next whole segment of the story decided, the chapters should be released much faster now!

And if you like Tsuruya-san, then look out for my upcoming TsuruyaxKoizumi lemon…if you're into that sort of thing. (It's set inside closed space XD)

End of chapter Omake (To help to make up for the delay…)

During a certain msn chat….

Cerium: We should make Haruhi take a shower. Can you think of a way to do that?

Kite: Lemon…..

Cerium: Any T rated methods?

Kite: Lime….

Cerium: Maybe I should write that part.

Kite: NO, ITS MINE!

Cerium: I knew that would work.


	9. Asa's Counterattack

"Asakura Ryoko"

"Asakura Ryoko"

The words shot through my skull like a bullet propelled by the full force of a nuclear explosion. The mention of _that girl _sent shivers down my spine which were in turn, shivering.

"The one who tried to kill me?!" I blurted out. Nagato-san raised an eyebrow.

"Did she?" She asked. Though her voice was emotionless, she got her message across: 'Don't lose your cover'.

"I mean, I've been _dying_ to find out whether or not her hair is naturally blue!" I quickly replied, even though I didn't know why I needed to do this when the cat was already out of the bag.

"You have to leave now."

I hurriedly got up and threw on the clothes from the day before. Nagato-san didn't seem to notice that I hadn't asked why the appearance of Asakura Ryoko would force us to leave. If we were that short on time, then the blue haired beauty/psycho must've been really out for blood this time.

My mind flashed back to that crazy classroom on that fateful day. The silent girl's crimson blood after five steel girders had been forcibly added to her delicate frame.

And now, Haruhi was here, too.

I may not be an alien or esper, or even a fighter of any sort, but I wasn't about to let two people I cared about get hurt by some deranged space invader!

…This is completely out of character for me. I'll probably change my mind after the first attack, but for now, I have to do this.

"Nagato-san, get Haruhi out of here. I'll hold Asakura back." I said, trying to sound like King Arthur talking to his knights when I actually felt like a Tudor peasant faced with the guillotine.

The lavender-haired girl stared at me with an emotion I couldn't place. Shock? Disbelief? Pity? Ridicule? It didn't matter.

However, all she said was two words:

"Be careful."

I hoped it wasn't the latter, my confidence was already hiding behind a mental image of Haruhi.

I stepped out into the main room, totally prepared for another psychedelic disco-world like last time. Instead, all that greeted me was the same calm scene as usual, except with our blue-haired alien visitor sitting at the kotatsu, quietly sipping tea.

"Greetings, Suzumiya-sama." She smiled in a way that would melt most people's hearts. It sent daggers through mine.

…Wait. She called me Suzumiya. So that means… she doesn't know about the switch.

I realised why Nagato-san had made me keep my cover. If she thought of me as the universe's golden potential for autoevolution, the chance that she'd kill me would be very slim. Things were looking up. Though in the case I was already trapped in a pit of death, it wouldn't matter which way I looked.

"Wake up." I could hear the book-loving alien's voice coming from the spare room.

"Ack! Yuki! You didn't…see what I was doing…did you?"

"That does not matter at this moment. For now I will assist you in escaping from this building."

"W-w-what? A-are you t-trying to take me on s-s-some sort of romantic m-midnight stroll?"

"Stay close."

"Would you like a seat?" Asakura continued to speak, retaining her previous façade. I cautiously sat down.

"Please, have a drink." She offered me a cup of tea. Not daring to refuse, I gulped it all down. It was stone cold, like the server's heart. If she had one, that is.

Her smile unwavering, she took the cup and refilled it without missing a beat, passing it back to me.

As I drank, I couldn't bear to look at her face, so I stared out through the glass balcony doors into the darkness. Just how had this girl come back? Maybe every star in the night sky was our enemy now.

I put the cup down again, and it was refilled with machine-like precision. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Though what worried me was just what else was going to be cut with one.

Still, the blue-haired girl's unbreaking smile continued. All happy on the outside and twisted on the inside, just like a brown-haired cleaver girl living in Hinamizawa, long-haired schoolgirl with boyfriend problems and a private yacht, or red-haired older twin maid who was terrible at cleaning. All game references aside, I once again drank the tea. I was full – no way I could drink any more. Come to think of it, this is exactly the same as that time with Nagato-san. Was it some kind of alien acceptance ritual?

Note to self: Never invite Kimidori Emiri out for a drink.

"Well then, to business." Asakura spoke, her voice menacing for the sole reason that there wasn't a trace of malice in it.

"Suzumiya Haruhi… I have something very important to tell you."

She opened her eyes and stared right into mine. What was she about to say? Don't tell me she knew about the switch all along and was going to kill me? Or maybe she already used some alien ninja maneuver to kill Haruhi while I was drinking tea?

"The truth is… you are what humans would call, 'a god'."

…Ah. Old news.

I widened my eyes with pretend shock. Best play along for now.

"Huh?" I replied, keeping it simple.

"You have the amazing ability to control the rules of reality around you. Anything that you wish could come true."

This was quite a bit simpler than that unruly info-dump that Nagato-san told me. Possibly because Asakura was capable of acting more human? Now why didn't Nagato receive that trait?

"What kind of joke is this?"

"I thought you might find it a bit hard to believe, but I can prove it to you right here. That's because I'm actually an alien."

"O-kaaayyy…" I put up a confused face, trying to hide my fear as Asakura-san slowly stood up.

"I'll keep it simple for now…" She closed her eyes, and held her hands to her chest, before speaking with a clear voice, "Transform!"

Nobody could take that seriously, coming from a high school girl. But I knew that this was coming from an alien. Was she going to show me her true form? Would it be something with long white hair, six white wings, and a giant sword? Or maybe a being of dark matter who swore to combat spiral life forms?

I could only ready myself while I watched her form become engulfed with a white light, and slowly change shape…

To another completely ordinary-looking person.

"See? Instantaneous structural reformation is not possible with human's current technology level, so…"

I had to say something. Quickly.

"…So what?" I blurted out. "You just look like a different person. Nothing special about that. I mean, Clark Kent can do that just by taking off his glasses! Nothing about this means you're not a human!"

Her smile wavered.

"Well then… How about this?"

She picked up the table, and it seemed to melt in her hands, the liquid-like remains swirling around in the air and taking the shape of a long, sharp sword.

"…Amazing what they can do with nanotechnology these days, isn't it?" I tried my best to smile.

"…Something's strange about you. Wouldn't you be the sort of person to willingly accept the fact that we exist?" She leered at me. Uh-oh.

"Well, you see…" I straightened by back and laughed. A bold, hearty, I-hope-she-doesn't-realise-I'm-actually-really-really-scared, type of laugh. "I was just messing with you! The truth is, this is old news! I already know that aliens, time travellers, and espers exist!"

"H-huh?" She gave a polite smile. But she definitely seemed surprised.

"I've been back in time, I've walked through closed space, seen data manipulation with my own hands, and it's all gotten old! If you just came here to tell me that, then you've seriously wasted your time!" I was going to slam my hand on the table for emphasis, but then I realised it was currently sharp and metallic, and in Asakura's hand.

Meanwhile, her face was pale.

"W-what? I… was not informed of this…" She looked away nervously.

"I can't go back and say I've failed my mission… I need to provoke a reaction somehow…"

"Well, nothing you do can surprise me now, so why don't you just leave?" I yelled, slowly becoming more confident. It seemed I was in control now - I can see why Haruhi likes it so much.

"Well then…" She suddenly looked up at me. With the cold, emotionless eyes that I still have nightmares about. "In that case, has your friend told you about the time I tried to kill him?"

"…H-he may have… mentioned it…"

"You wouldn't want that to really happen, would you?" She grinned, moving her fingers along the edge of the blade in her hands.

"O-of course not!" I replied, not quite knowing why. I was supposed to be acting in control. But that face of hers… those eyes… it was like the classroom all over again… except, worse.

I turned around and bolted for the door to the spare room.

I quickly turned around and locked it tight – not much good it would do, but it made me feel a bit safer.

There was a gentle knocking on it.

"Suzumiya-san, what's wrong?"

I didn't reply. Instead, I was staring at the two people in the room. Two people who should have left by now.

"W-what are you still doing in here?" I hissed.

"There has been a data isolation barrier imposed upon this space. Deactivation without damage to surrounding living tissue would inevitably cause chronological impedement."

I think she basically meant was, we were trapped and she needed time to get rid of the barrier.

"Do not worry. It is almost finished."

Nagato's hand was raised toward the fire escape, and she was talking at a speed to fast for human minds to interpret, though I doubt it would have made a difference even if she spoke wooooorrrrd by woooordd.

"Hey, Kyon… what's going on?" Haruhi looked at me.

"...Uhhh… the psychopathic killer on the news just broke into the apartment."

"What psychopathic killer on the news?!"

"Do you think I would joke about something like this?"

"…Finished." Nagato finally said, and opened the window.

"There is no time. Use the fire escape, I will try and delay Asakura, but I sense that her processing capacity has more than doubled since the previous occasion."

Nagato pushed us out the window onto the metal fire escape and was gone before Haruhi could fire off a question. It was raining domestic animals outside; water buffeted the ground with the intensity that caused the forty day flood, and I was going to need a bigger boat. Maybe a nice boat – wait, no. That's the last thing I want.

Rain soaked us to the bone the instant we stepped out of the shelter of the apartment, which unfortunately wasn't evil-alien proofed. Ignoring Haruhi's ranting, I started down the fire escape, pulling her with me, the rain and thunder effectively muting anything Haruhi had to say.

We were about halfway down when there was an explosion from the floor we were trying to escape, fire and smoke burst through the open window, only to be torn through instantly by the rain. The impact of the explosion rocked the entire building, and I felt Haruhi's hand leave mine as we lost our balance, and failed to regain composure on the rain slicked surface of the grating.

The second explosion didn't help; maybe it was the fact that we were already off balance, but it seemed to affect the building with ten times the intensity. With a yelp, Haruhi was sent over the railing towards a death that even she didn't deserve. The only thing that stood between her and certain death was her own hands.

"Kyon! Hurry up and save me!"

Easy for you to say.

I grabbed her hand and pulled with all my strength, no dice. It was hopeless, I couldn't even lift her an inch up the ledge. Was I really that heavy? I never imagined Haruhi to be this weak. C'mon, you're supposed to be an ace at every sporting event in existence. Where's the strength that hit the world-class pitch that the rest of us failed to even to connect with? Where's the strength that turned the computer society president into a human cannonball? Where's the strength that forces Asahina-san into her….wait, scratch that.

Dammit Kyon, now's not the time to lament, now pull yourself up! Lightning continued to sever the sky overhead, thunder continued to pierce our resolve, rain buffeting our bodies with an intensity that would make even Noah himself shudder in fear. Then, the worst thing possible happened… the ledge below me gave out.

A third explosion combined with Haruhi's…I mean my weight caused the fire escape to be ripped from the frame of the building. We screamed at the top of our lungs as the metal structure designed for safety began its ironically deadly plunge towards the ground. As the angle of the fire escape directed my eyes to the sky, I saw Nagato flying through the air, her clothes in tatters from the beating she had taken at the hands of Asakura, the third explosion propelling her out the window.

My eyes met hers as the three of us fell, and Nagato's body started to glow with a faint aura. The panic induced by the fall may have caused me to hallucinate, but Nagato was not actually falling, but flying towards us, the aura surrounding her growing increasingly brighter and gaining a rainbow tinge.

"Y-Yuki! How can you-!?" Haruhi's words were left 5 feet in the air above as the ground rushed up towards us. Nagato's glow intensified ten fold as we were moments away from meeting the unwelcoming gravel. She disappeared, leaving a blur in the spot where she used to be, appearing next to me and Haruhi before my brain could process the fact that she had moved. Grabbing both our hands, Nagato moved, and I felt like I was being jerked out of the dimension. My neck and shoulder were closer to being ripped out of their sockets in that millisecond than they ever had been in my entire life.

Nagato set us down in the middle of the street, the fire escape crashing to the earth like the slain Cyclops. Nagato collapsed, exhausted. She was heavily wounded, but her breathing was stable. Naturally I was worried, but there was no time to worry about that now. Ryoko Asakura had appeared right in front of us.

A/N:

Cerium Radonide:

Right. Sorry for the delay. I had to heavily edit his part cause Kite deviated from our original plan, and then he had the nerve to upload the original, unedited script without asking me! Graagghhh.

Big props to anyone who recognised all three yanderes (Kite-I recognised them…) I referenced in that tea-drinking scene, and any other references I put in.

The fight scene was supposed to be this chapter, but lots of stuff happened and it got delayed. Oh well. It's called 'dramatic tension'!

PS: I was listening to 'COOL EDITION' the whole time while writing this to get me in the mood _

Kite Impulse:

All I can say is my brilliant plan to finally get Cerium off his ass worked. (or on his ass depending on how you look at it…) TsundereYandere

Credits:

Apartment scene written by Cerium

Escape scene written by Kite

Reference spamming by Cerium

Massive delay by Cerium

Resurrection prompt by Kite

Edited by Cerium and then further edited by Kite

School Days, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, Tsukihime, Higurashi No Kokoro Ni and The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya are registered trademarks of their respective owners (who unfortunately are not the writers of this fic).


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